Here's the deal.  I haven't written here in awhile.  Sorry for that.  The multitude of factors in my life came together as a singular force that precluded writing.  In the interest of honesty and full disclosure, I allowed them to preclude me from writing.  This brings me to the subject of this entry.

There is gap between knowing a thing and being able live a thing fully and completely.  For example, I know that my day today is the direct result of poor choices last night.  The angst and anxiety of the week prevented me from getting enough sleep.  The week's trouble is the direct result of me not taking care of myself.  It is the result of me not prioritizing my health and not managing my diabetes.

So where I am right no is a direct result of my own personal choices.  The lesson lies in that I have to own that.  In my head, I intellectually get that truth.  The process gap I am experiencing comes in translating what I know into something I KNOW.  The all caps version being a truth that I can make practical use of.  The know, own, and life thing is what I am talking about wanting to take possession of for use in my life.

The ability to grasp and live life from the place that recognizes that the topography of now is the sum total of everything that came before it is what I am after.  Being able to live knowing that poor health choices lead to wild mood swings and have a cost all their own is what I need right now.  Being able to live from that place in a way that the knowledge makes changes in an actions and behaviors.  I guess it boils down to knowledge that is actually in use.

On some level it is about the difference between potential and kinetic energy.  Knowledge not in use is the equivalent of potential energy.  The reverse being kinetic energy.  I suppose there is a Biblical example that can be inserted here related to knowing and doing.

I need to put this principle to work.  I need to live a conscious life that inhabits the knowledge, that puts it to work.  A life that considers all the choices within the framework of does this advance where I want to be long term.  Do I want to be the person that complains bitterly about things that didn't happen, or about the negative things that did happen, because I didn't work with the knowledge I had available.

I have heard this described as being judged by the dictates of one's conscience.  It accurately describes the moment I am in now.  Things need to change, I am the only one that can change them.  My conscience is my own judge of my own life at a minimum.

​Thus endeth the rant.

Of late my development as a writer has fed into my development as a person.  I discovered lately that I am a stubborn contrarian.  Not that I didn’t already know that I was both of those things.  I am a man at the mid-point of life, so no one need worry that I was oblivious of my essential nature.  What I had done incorrectly was that I had mischaracterized those two items. 

I had assumed the two items were just character flaws that I had.  I was led to believe that nothing good comes character flaws.  The notion that these had to be obviated before good things could happen both personally or with my writing was a flawed one.  It was a poor assumption that led to much frustration for me.

Somewhere around the time I started watching Game of Thrones on HBO, I encountered a different twist on this idea.  Tryeon Lannister shares his view on the limitations dealt to us in life in the first episode.  He tells John Snow to own his limitation (being a bastard).  He tells him to own it so definitely so completely that it functions like a suit of armor.  It removes the ability of others to use the limitation against you ever.

It took some time for this to percolate within me for this to occur as being applicable for me.  My process on the subject starts with hearing the item, recognizing the truth, and letting it go for at least awhile.  Somewhere along the way it comes back to me as being applicable to me in some fashion.  From there it takes me time to review it and see the what, where, and how before I can allow the truth to make a change.

In this particular instance, it took time for me to put together that my frustration with my writing could be directly tied to my contrarian nature and my stubbornness.  I was trying to play by the rules of writing, and in doing so it was causing me a form of difficult dissonance.  I did not understand this disconnect between my writing, and how much I was not enjoying it.  I was frustrated and that frustration bled into every project I worked on.  And it was the same frustration each time.

Somewhere along the way I re-read the narrative of David and Goliath in the Bible, and something struck me.  In the narrative there is a point where Saul gives David his armor to use.  David’s response is to say, ‘I can’t use this”.  David then reverts to being himself, selects weapons for use in the battle to come that are in accordance with the essential nature of who David is.  The result is that in being true to himself, David is then triumphant over Goliath.

Now allow me to admit that I am aware that I am not David.  I am aware that I am not confronted by a massive army intent on the destruction of my people whose champion is a massive giant.  I get that my writing is specific to me, the triumph of my writing will have a limited impact.  In short, I do not mean to in the course of relating my discovery to imply some grandiose vision of myself and my future.  Rather I mean only to share the discovery as it relates to me and my writing.

The ways in which this hit me were subtle and simple.  I was struck that I was writing using the rules and standards of other people.  In the course of this, it was frustrating me and causing my stubborn nature and my contrarian side to act up, sometimes rather unproductively.  It caused a certain degree of fundamental angst that when I used the tropes and story arch archetypes, that I would follow the rules and give the A +B = C response in writing, when I would have rather said A + B = purple.

The key item I discovered along the way is that I need first and foremost to be true to myself.  I should write in a fashion that is true to the essential nature of me.  I should listen when the angst happens and take it seriously as a sign that something in the product of my writing is not true to me.  This puts the angst in the position of being the canary in the mine that acts as a warning mechanism.  It becomes the fire alarm as it were.

This discovery really boils down as follows…  I intend to write as I will.  I intend to be potentially the only person happy with my work product.  If that limits the marketability of the resulting product then so be it.  Some would construe this as a declaration of madness, and it could be viewed from that perspective.  However, I intend it to function as my throwing down the gauntlet.  I intend it to say that I am aim to misbehave.  If you come to my writing and you as a reader are expecting someone that writes according to the rules and follows the dictates of tradition and genre tropes, then you should find someone else to read.

I do not intend and will not allow myself to be bound up in the iron maiden torture box that prevents the writer from deviating from expectation.  I will seek and you as the reader should expect me to write according to the dictates of my imagination and the sum total of my conscience such as it is.  This means when you expect that a story arc will pay off in a particular fashion, I will not do so just because it is the expectation that I do so.  Rather it will result in a fashion solely of my own desire, if that pays off according to expectation great.  If not, then at least you have been warned at the outset.

I was able to see Mad Max Fury Road today.  I must confess that having seen it, I am not sure how to classify it.  It does not fit neatly into the various pigeon holes that Hollywood has created to classify films.  Was it a reboot, a sequel, an entry in the mythos of Mad Max separate unto itself?  I really don't know.  As with all things George Miller, he doesn't play or care about the rules of others.

I have to confess that I was not sure what to expect.  There have been some good films in this lineage of film, and there have been some rather odious ones, if you don't know what I mean look up Tina Turner in chain mail and you will get it.  I was prepared for it to be bad.  Largely because anytime Hollywood resurrects a film series I enjoyed a lot from years gone by, the end result was a total steaming turd more often than not.  Starsky and Hutch, 21 Jump Street, Swat and I could go on and on...

I was pleasantly surprised.  The film managed to capture the essence of the earlier films, escapist entertainment filled to overflowing with non-stop edge of your seat action.  This one delivered on that point and then some.  The explosions per minute and car crashes per scene were off the chart.  The action was flawlessly done, and the special effects budget was not spared.  The bad guys were bad, insidious and foul.  And the protagonists were morally complicated.  It ticket off the dystopian film boxes neatly in that regard.

On the point of the post apocalyptic films, this one caught the gritty hanging onto life and sanity by a hair's breadth.  When I say gritty, I really mean that.  The actors all are caked in a solid layer of dirt throughout the film.  This wasn't some after the end of the world film where everyone is wearing dashing white costumes that look freshly pressed and neatly laundered.  For once on this point I was happy that they got this point correct.

Going back to madness...  Some movies hint at madness.  Some bring it into view but never go there.  Some play at the edge of the gaping maw.  This one charged the mouth of madness and takes the viewer on a roller coaster ride through the heart of lunacy before chewing its way back out into the world of semi-sanity.  This film captured the Mad part of Mad Max and took it out for a ride.

All of that is not meant to say that this film does not suffer from some rather huge plot flaws.  This film certainly has them.  It has them in droves, some so big you could literally drive a semi-truck through them, sarcasm intended.  Rather than detail them, let me just say it has them, and when you see the film you will get what I am talking about.  There are a few other items that serve as pointless distractions in the film, but they were easily ignored.

Let me say that this film is worth a view.  I would rate is as a solid B grade on the typical A through F grading scale.  
 

During last year's playoffs for the National Football League, an incident took place that has been labelled Deflate-Gate.  It was alleged and later proven that a large percentage of the footballs being used by the Patriots were not properly inflated.  The NFL commissioned a report to attempt to get to the bottom of the matter.  They hired Ted Wells to lead the investigation, and produce a report.  The investigation appears to be concluded and the report was released today.

The report came to the following conclusions:
-  The balls used by the New England Patriots were intentionally under-inflated.
-  There was a sophisticated scheme of deception employed by Patriots employees.
-  Staff members of the Patriots admitted they carried out the act.
-  The guilty staff members said they did so at the direction of the starting quarterback, Tom Brady.
-  The employees of the Patriots involved turned over their phone records, emails, and text messages on this point, and fully participated in the investigation interviews.
-  Tom Brady refused to turn over any phone records, emails, or text messages.  And Mr Brady gave an interview that was directly contradicted by the Patriots employees in question.
-  The report concluded that Tom Brady did not fully comply with the process.
-  The report concluded that Mr. Brady more likely as not did as he was alleged to have done.

This may seem like a trivial matter.  Let me be clear, it is not trivial at all.  The Patriots as an organization CHEATED and broke the rules of the game.  An under-inflated football is easier to catch, easier to handle, less likely to fumble.  In a game of inches like professional football, any advantage in a game of similarly skilled pros can be massive, and make the difference between a win and a loss.  

The NFL has clear and unambiguous rules on the nature of the footballs, and how they are to be inflated.  There is process whereby all of the rules are validated as it relates to the status of the individual footballs prior to the game start.  The NFL rules were broken in the case, and according to the report, the rules were broken at the direction of Tom Brady, starting quarterback, public face of the Patriots franchise.

Now let me be clear, this was not a criminal proceeding.  Mr Wells was not required to prove beyond a reasonable doubt.  He was required to prove preponderance of the evidence.  Having read through what is available, he did just that.  And given the lack of willingness of Mr Brady to fully participate in the process, it is clear what took place.

Before my legal background friends interject let clarify one point.  Mr Brady is required to fully participate in any investigation brought forward by the NFL as a condition of employment.  He does not have the same rights he would have in a criminal proceeding.  He does not have the right to remain silent.  It is understood that compliance is required.  It was why Mr Goodell did not bother with giving Mr Wells subpoena power.  It was clear all players will comply fully. 

There is no way to sugar coat this.  Rules were broken.  The extent to which this cheating may never be fully known.  The validity of this year's Super Bowl championship is tainted.  Did the Patriots deserve to be in the Super Bowl?  We will never know the answer to that question.

The real question is what to do now.  Do you punish the entire organization for the actions of a handful of people in the Patriots organization.  In team sports that is exactly what happens.  One player commits a penalty, the whole team suffers.  It is painful, and costly, but that is the nature of professional football.

I feel that the commissioner has no choice but to void the Patriots championship last year and award it to the Seattle Seahawks.  Further I think it is clear that the Patriots staff members that broke the rules should be fired and barred from participating with the NFL in any way ever again.  Tom Brady should be suspended from the league for no less than an entire season, and be forced to forfeit all pay and benefits for this season.  Any bonuses Mr Brady was paid for last season's 'performance' should be repaid.  He should further be barred from consideration for the NFL Hall of Fame ever.  

I further believe the Patriots franchise should be stripped of all of next year's draft picks and be forced to be a serious fine.  All wins from last year should be voided.  Let's remember this is not the first offense for this organization.  They were found to be cheating in a Super Bowl in the past.  

I don't say any of that lightly.  I am not being flippant here.  And I am not being a Patriots hater.  I am a fan of the game.  I take seriously the rules under which the game is supposed to be played.  I take seriously the notion that the game is supposed to be fair to all teams, and all opportunities in any football contest should be available to both teams.  Anything else is not fair to both teams.  Unfair contests lead to unfair results which erodes the faith of the fans in the outcome of games.

The substance 'stick em' was banned because it violated the integrity of the game.  It gave players that used it an advantage over players that didn't.  The use was banned to protect the integrity of the game.  The same is true here.  Both teams did not play the game with under-inflated balls, which calls into question the overall outcome of at least one game and given Mr. Brady's lack of honesty and compliance with the investigation we do not know how many games were played with under-inflated balls.

The integrity of the game of football was violated.  Last season was a mockery of the game.  In order to restore the faith of the fans in the game, this should not be taken lightly!

We went to see Avengers today in the afternoon.  I was concerned that after how excellent the first movie was that this film might suffer from the 'sophomore curse' as it were.  It happens sometimes after the first one the second one might have been a total let down, and a complete steaming turd.  

My fears we for naught.  This movie was significantly better than the first.  Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the first movie.  This movie was successful on all fronts.  The writing was solid.  The acting was top notch.  The special effects were off the hook awesome.  One could tell that it was tightly directed, and cleanly edited.

It was clearly an action / adventure movie of the highest order.  In that vein it did not fall prey to the many tired tropes out there in this genre of film save one, but it did not distract from the broader story which was good.

The only part of the film that fell short for me was the hulk / black widow romance element.  It seemed to come out of left field without any real groundwork having been put down.  By that I mean there was not a hint of anything between the two of them in the first film, and this film seems to start with something there between them.  This was the only element that I did not enjoy in the film.

We saw it in 3D and I felt comfortable having paid full price for it.  This is usually my gauge for how good the movie was.

Lately, I have spent some of my time listening to a few pod casts on the subject of writing.  As someone who has never really been a participant in the pod cast phenomenon, this is something of a departure for me.  I discovered a plethora of feeds on the subject of writing, and have been listening to several.  I have picked up some tips and a few tricks along the way.  I spotted a couple items that have improved my process.  I also found much needed encouragement.  A thing that the self-conscious unsure amateur in me needs from time to time.

It was a largely positive experience until, I wandered into a podcast which was not helpful at all.  It was billed as being about the business side of writing and the associated industry.  I went in expecting theory, process, and procedure as well as some best practices.  I got anything but that.  It was an hour long rant on how horrible the business is.  It was a sackcloth and ashes session full of sorrow and despair.  It was a give up all hope and kill yourself if you ever want to make a dime from your writing sort of session.

I know I should have shut it off.  The level of negativity was more than anyone needs.  It certainly hit me hard.  It made me question whether an outsider, with no hooks into the mainstream publishing industry can make the leap from amateur to professional.  It gored all my sacred cows and tread heavily on all my dreams.  It made me not want to write another word or at least never hope again to be published.

In the midst of my despair, I had a moment of clarity.  I was reminded of a few things.  My goal has never been to be the next Stephen King.  It has always been about self-expression for the sake of self-expression with the only reward being found in my own mental health.  My writing has always been about getting the stuff out of my imagination and onto a page.  I seem to do better in life when it is not rolling around unchecked in my cranium.

The dose of reality I got, while painful and discouraging, was a good thing.  Reality never hurts anyone ever.  It is only in knowing where you are that you can understand the path that led to the current moment and the path forward.  Reality as a form of truth can also act as a positive change agent.  It can lay out clearly the obstacles that lie ahead.  It can also function as a fundamental challenge.

Dreams and sacred cows are a fine thing to have.  What is however more important is the work required to realize the dreams and maintain the cows in existence.  The work to realize the dream transforms the dream into a goal, reachable and attainable.  Any dream that can be crushed by a solid dose of reality is not a dream worth having.

In the process of having that moment, it occurred to me that it was a revealing experience.  It occurred to me that I write because not writing isn't something I can do.  I was born with the need to tell stories.  It is a fundamental part of me.  If I take seriously the Bible when it says that the essential nature of me is fearfully and wonderfully made, then I have to admit God put the heart of the writer in me.  God forged it in me as I was knit together in my mother's womb.  It is who I am.  I write, because I do and I am mean to do so. Making money on it has nothing to do with honoring the gift given to me by my creator.

In saying all that, some may conclude me to be an arrogant prideful person.  In reality that is far from the truth.  I say all of that not as a boast.  Rather it is an admission of the fundamental nature of who I am.  In doing so, I am honoring the giver of the gift, as well as the gift itself.

For all of the travails that lie ahead, I can only say this.  I will not hide my talent in the earth.  I will not run in horror from the risks that lie ahead.  I will not flee from the path laid out before me.  I will accept it all, and act in faith that the path laid before me is put there by my creator.  I will give thanks to my creator for the path, and the ability to walk it.

I doing so, regret will have no room to grow.  Beyond doing the work I confront on a daily basis, and accepting it in faith, the rest is not my concern.  The rest is about outrageous fortune, God, and things I haven't the ability to fundamentally comprehend much less express.  It is upon me as a duty to show up everyday and do the work.  Everything else is silence to the mortal mind.