DISCLAIMER..... This piece is written strictly for humor's sake and is not intended to be taken seriously at all. If you are or can be offended easily, this is likely not the piece for you... If you have been told you have a thin skin, please move on to something else I have written...
I wrote this piece a long time ago, the exact date of its writing has escaped into the vaporous ethereal nature of time. I know I wrote it at a period of time when I was writing a lot in the wee hours of the morning, after everyone had gone to bed. Usually I would have the television on, and somehow the infomercials would sneak into the channel that had been Leno, or Letterman... Without actively realizing it I would end up watching this idiotic infomercial or that one. I wrote this as a satirical replacement for one of those buy my book and all will right in your world sort of infomercials and as general piece of satire during that period... Please enjoy.
A satirical look at the institution of marriage and the role of the human male in it....
For reasons beyond comprehension or rational thought, you have chosen to enter into the institution
of marriage. The typical reasons for you to have made this tragic mistake are many, but frequently you will have surrendered to the incessant gibbering of a nagging long time girlfriend or significant other, (does the question, ”Where is this relationship headed?” ring any bells for you). It is also possible that you have yielded to the unrelenting passion of a parent(s) for you to progress down the path of providing them with grandchildren, (does the statement, “Your friend <insert friend’s name here> got married and they are having their first baby any day now. What is wrong with you?” Remind you of someone you know). It is also possible and quite likely that you have taken leave of your senses completely and are unable to spot a deadly logic bomb when you see one.
Marriage ahh that wonderful institution; that poorly designed and ill-thought out contractual relationship, that when successfully carried out to its logical conclusion will claim your life. When this contractual relationship fails miserably, (which happens more than fifty one percent of the
time), the extrication of yourself from this prison will cost you dearly. Usually more than half of your assets will cease belonging to you, plus monthly penalty payments designed ultimately to do two things; remind you of your failure and penalize you for the act of reclaiming your freedom and dignity. In all honestly, a looted Fortune 500 company like Enron will get treated better by a bankruptcy court than you will in a divorce court.
Marriage as a general topic is however not the purpose of this book. If you would like more information on this ghastly institution, (information you really should sought out before your trip to the jeweler by the way), you can refer to any of my other books on the subject. Titles include “Marriage for Men: So you have Chosen an Extremely Slow Form of Suicide”, or “Why Men are Completely Brainless when it Comes to Women” or my first book “Why Married Men Secretly Long for the Sweet Embrace of Death”.The ultimate purpose of this book is to provide you with some keys to surviving marriage. You should look at this book as a tool for surviving and avoiding the
traps and pitfalls that are strewn throughout marriage, and I assure that there are a plethora of them.
Let’s be honest here, you want your marriage to work, you need your marriage to work! Let’s remember this one simple fact; failure costs us at least half! You should say that phrase like a mantra everyday possibly in the morning while you are shaving. It is possible that you should also say it in high stress situations when temptation might lead you to think seriously about bluntly speaking your mind, (a temptation you should never yield to by the way).
In this book we will cover such issues as how to negotiate the mine field that is the honey-do list, we will also cover the basics of the toilet seat debate, and we will also provide you with an extensive list of general principles that will make your married life much easier, and make your time in the grim reaper’s waiting room pass much more uneventfully. An uneventful marriage may give you time to ponder some of life’s big questions like “Is there SportsCenter in Heaven?”, or “Does membership in the democrat party require an I.Q. under 30?” or “Which came first liberalism or invertebrates?”
I wrote this piece a long time ago, the exact date of its writing has escaped into the vaporous ethereal nature of time. I know I wrote it at a period of time when I was writing a lot in the wee hours of the morning, after everyone had gone to bed. Usually I would have the television on, and somehow the infomercials would sneak into the channel that had been Leno, or Letterman... Without actively realizing it I would end up watching this idiotic infomercial or that one. I wrote this as a satirical replacement for one of those buy my book and all will right in your world sort of infomercials and as general piece of satire during that period... Please enjoy.
A satirical look at the institution of marriage and the role of the human male in it....
For reasons beyond comprehension or rational thought, you have chosen to enter into the institution
of marriage. The typical reasons for you to have made this tragic mistake are many, but frequently you will have surrendered to the incessant gibbering of a nagging long time girlfriend or significant other, (does the question, ”Where is this relationship headed?” ring any bells for you). It is also possible that you have yielded to the unrelenting passion of a parent(s) for you to progress down the path of providing them with grandchildren, (does the statement, “Your friend <insert friend’s name here> got married and they are having their first baby any day now. What is wrong with you?” Remind you of someone you know). It is also possible and quite likely that you have taken leave of your senses completely and are unable to spot a deadly logic bomb when you see one.
Marriage ahh that wonderful institution; that poorly designed and ill-thought out contractual relationship, that when successfully carried out to its logical conclusion will claim your life. When this contractual relationship fails miserably, (which happens more than fifty one percent of the
time), the extrication of yourself from this prison will cost you dearly. Usually more than half of your assets will cease belonging to you, plus monthly penalty payments designed ultimately to do two things; remind you of your failure and penalize you for the act of reclaiming your freedom and dignity. In all honestly, a looted Fortune 500 company like Enron will get treated better by a bankruptcy court than you will in a divorce court.
Marriage as a general topic is however not the purpose of this book. If you would like more information on this ghastly institution, (information you really should sought out before your trip to the jeweler by the way), you can refer to any of my other books on the subject. Titles include “Marriage for Men: So you have Chosen an Extremely Slow Form of Suicide”, or “Why Men are Completely Brainless when it Comes to Women” or my first book “Why Married Men Secretly Long for the Sweet Embrace of Death”.The ultimate purpose of this book is to provide you with some keys to surviving marriage. You should look at this book as a tool for surviving and avoiding the
traps and pitfalls that are strewn throughout marriage, and I assure that there are a plethora of them.
Let’s be honest here, you want your marriage to work, you need your marriage to work! Let’s remember this one simple fact; failure costs us at least half! You should say that phrase like a mantra everyday possibly in the morning while you are shaving. It is possible that you should also say it in high stress situations when temptation might lead you to think seriously about bluntly speaking your mind, (a temptation you should never yield to by the way).
In this book we will cover such issues as how to negotiate the mine field that is the honey-do list, we will also cover the basics of the toilet seat debate, and we will also provide you with an extensive list of general principles that will make your married life much easier, and make your time in the grim reaper’s waiting room pass much more uneventfully. An uneventful marriage may give you time to ponder some of life’s big questions like “Is there SportsCenter in Heaven?”, or “Does membership in the democrat party require an I.Q. under 30?” or “Which came first liberalism or invertebrates?”
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