For what its worth, I am going through a season of taking stock of the things in my life. I am evaluating all of the aspects of my life top to bottom. On some level this is a process of reviewing my priorities and the things I value. The reasons for this season of inventory are my own, but I will say that there is and continues to be a fundamental blueness that has enveloped me.
I cannot use the word depression in part due to the negative connotations it brings and in part because its not directly true in the clinical sense. I do however admit that I am tired right now. Tired of what has been, tired of what is, and I yearn for more. Let me be clear, I don't yearn for more stuff. I have all the stuff I could possibly want and then some. So this is not how Monty Python would put it, the quest for stuff.
Rather this is a season of trying to reach clarity for what it is I really want out of life. The simple part of the question is that I have in my life the majority of what I want. I am desperately in love with the woman I am married to. It is in her embrace that my life makes sense and that I find meaning. I also love my children more than words can adequately express. I don't always like the things they do, but my love for them is unquestionable. They have given me so much joy over the years that it defies description.
So as far as I get is that my life is about two primary roles, being a husband and a father. These two roles are indivisible from one another. For the most part I cannot have one without the other. It is in the context of these two fundamental roles that everything about what it is to be me, resides.
It goes without question that I am a disciple of Christ and a follower of Jesus inasmuch as this imperfect man can do that. I fail more than I succeed in this, but I am still trying. I get up each day hoping that today's instance of my walk will be better than yesterday's. Some days I am able to fulfill that, and other days I fail. I am still trying. I still recognize that it is by grace that each day flows forward.
This leads me to the next element of my life. I am absolutely blown away with the degree to which God has provided for my family. He has seen to our needs and then some. It humbles me when I consider it in its fullest context. A lot of things could have gone differently in my life, and yet somehow they did not. And yet somehow I am here. I am blessed beyond my ability to contain it all.
In view of all that part of my wonders why I have down times. Why am I not a picture of thrilled with an ear to ear grin on my face every single day? Why am I struggling mentally and emotionally at times to keep my head above water? Why is the most fundamental question here.
I recognize that part of the answer is the emotional nature of my spirit. I am wired in such a way that I ride an aggressive emotional roller coaster every single day. I can go from up to down, and back again in a rather short time span. Some of that is how I am made. Some of that is the drugs I take for the adult onset diabetes I struggle with. Some of that is an unknown factor that I do not even now fully comprehend.
On the plus side of the ledger, I live in a time in which this fundamental flaw can be reviewed, diagnosed, and treated. At no other time in human history could the quality of care that I receive be possible for the average human being. I am thankful that I have asked for and gotten care for this aspect of my overall health and well being. As an aside, if you suffer like I did and on some level still do, I STRONGLY urge you to get it treated. Suffering silence is still suffering.
In reviewing what remains I am forced to take stock of myself. I am an amateur writer. I am doing my level best to make the most of the gift that God has given me in this regard. All I can say is that I am doing my best. I am better than I was, but not as good as I want to be. I am still hacking away at it daily, seeking to be the best I can.
What remains in my life is what I question. Am I doing enough to be the best father, the best husband, the best disciple, the best writer I can be? Is there more I could be doing? Am I being too hard on myself? Is what remains out of my grasp as of right now, a function of lack of effort? Does effort have anything to do with it at all? Am I worried for no apparent reason?
I have the impression that nothing borne of worry can be a good thing. I have to remind myself that I am exactly where am I supposed to be right now. I have to find a way to be comfortable with where I am. I have to find a way to accept that God's will has planted me where I am right now.
What I need to do next, is to proceed with a sense of humility and understanding of the grace of which I have been the recipient. I need to do just do the work in front of me to do. The things I need to do will make themselves clear along the way. Anything else is outside of what I should be doing. I need to accept that I have limited ability, limited time, and limited resources.
I need to focus in on the primary roles in my life. If I reside from the place of my planting, and dwell in the primary roles in my life, that is enough. That is a life. More than that is pure grace. I hope for more, but I have to find a way to be at peace with that. And that is my challenge right now. Blowing up the whole construct, because of what Solomon calls, 'A chasing after the wind' is the act of a fool, and not one I am willing to do.
I cannot use the word depression in part due to the negative connotations it brings and in part because its not directly true in the clinical sense. I do however admit that I am tired right now. Tired of what has been, tired of what is, and I yearn for more. Let me be clear, I don't yearn for more stuff. I have all the stuff I could possibly want and then some. So this is not how Monty Python would put it, the quest for stuff.
Rather this is a season of trying to reach clarity for what it is I really want out of life. The simple part of the question is that I have in my life the majority of what I want. I am desperately in love with the woman I am married to. It is in her embrace that my life makes sense and that I find meaning. I also love my children more than words can adequately express. I don't always like the things they do, but my love for them is unquestionable. They have given me so much joy over the years that it defies description.
So as far as I get is that my life is about two primary roles, being a husband and a father. These two roles are indivisible from one another. For the most part I cannot have one without the other. It is in the context of these two fundamental roles that everything about what it is to be me, resides.
It goes without question that I am a disciple of Christ and a follower of Jesus inasmuch as this imperfect man can do that. I fail more than I succeed in this, but I am still trying. I get up each day hoping that today's instance of my walk will be better than yesterday's. Some days I am able to fulfill that, and other days I fail. I am still trying. I still recognize that it is by grace that each day flows forward.
This leads me to the next element of my life. I am absolutely blown away with the degree to which God has provided for my family. He has seen to our needs and then some. It humbles me when I consider it in its fullest context. A lot of things could have gone differently in my life, and yet somehow they did not. And yet somehow I am here. I am blessed beyond my ability to contain it all.
In view of all that part of my wonders why I have down times. Why am I not a picture of thrilled with an ear to ear grin on my face every single day? Why am I struggling mentally and emotionally at times to keep my head above water? Why is the most fundamental question here.
I recognize that part of the answer is the emotional nature of my spirit. I am wired in such a way that I ride an aggressive emotional roller coaster every single day. I can go from up to down, and back again in a rather short time span. Some of that is how I am made. Some of that is the drugs I take for the adult onset diabetes I struggle with. Some of that is an unknown factor that I do not even now fully comprehend.
On the plus side of the ledger, I live in a time in which this fundamental flaw can be reviewed, diagnosed, and treated. At no other time in human history could the quality of care that I receive be possible for the average human being. I am thankful that I have asked for and gotten care for this aspect of my overall health and well being. As an aside, if you suffer like I did and on some level still do, I STRONGLY urge you to get it treated. Suffering silence is still suffering.
In reviewing what remains I am forced to take stock of myself. I am an amateur writer. I am doing my level best to make the most of the gift that God has given me in this regard. All I can say is that I am doing my best. I am better than I was, but not as good as I want to be. I am still hacking away at it daily, seeking to be the best I can.
What remains in my life is what I question. Am I doing enough to be the best father, the best husband, the best disciple, the best writer I can be? Is there more I could be doing? Am I being too hard on myself? Is what remains out of my grasp as of right now, a function of lack of effort? Does effort have anything to do with it at all? Am I worried for no apparent reason?
I have the impression that nothing borne of worry can be a good thing. I have to remind myself that I am exactly where am I supposed to be right now. I have to find a way to be comfortable with where I am. I have to find a way to accept that God's will has planted me where I am right now.
What I need to do next, is to proceed with a sense of humility and understanding of the grace of which I have been the recipient. I need to do just do the work in front of me to do. The things I need to do will make themselves clear along the way. Anything else is outside of what I should be doing. I need to accept that I have limited ability, limited time, and limited resources.
I need to focus in on the primary roles in my life. If I reside from the place of my planting, and dwell in the primary roles in my life, that is enough. That is a life. More than that is pure grace. I hope for more, but I have to find a way to be at peace with that. And that is my challenge right now. Blowing up the whole construct, because of what Solomon calls, 'A chasing after the wind' is the act of a fool, and not one I am willing to do.
RSS Feed
