My Struggle... 04/23/2010
 
     I find myself struggling to grasp the Will of God these days.  I find myself in place where it is hard to grasp how God is playing an active role in my situation.  I struggle to fathom the path out of this place.  I struggle to continue to believe that this time will ever end.  I have made every effort to understand this time, find the joy in it, and try to be at peace with it.  The fundamental truth is that my patience with it is nearly spent.
     It gets harder each day to say that God is good, and that there is a plan for my egress from this place.  It gets harder each day to parrot the line of faith that has become my mantra, "God has a plan for this situation, and God will lead me to what’s next in the fullness of time".  I am clinging to that truth with all that is within me, but it gets harder each day.  It gets harder each day to keep the darker part of my spirit at bay.  With a total lack of progress out of this situation, it gets harder to keep telling my tempter to get behind me and go away.
     Each day the counsel of Job’s wife, “Why don’t you just curse God and die”, becomes a more viable option.  Each day I go through the motions and do what I am supposed to, but my heart has fallen into a dark place.  Somehow, I have come to a place where I am not one hundred percent convinced that a path out will ever become visible.  I keep waiting for a redeemer kinsman, and I am now wondering if my wait is in vain.
     And yet I have to maintain my faith.  I have to believe that God still cares for my situation.  I have to believe that he hasn’t forgotten me, and those in my care.  I have to believe that God hears my pleas for aid.  I have to believe that he will come to my aid.  What choice do I have?  The only other option is to embrace the oblivion that tugs at the edges of my soul.  And to do so will be to surrender the position to the evil one, and it would allow a dark victory with implications I can only guess at right now.
     And so I continue to trudge forward.  And so I continue to put one foot in front of the other in the hope that at some point the situation will break for the positive.  I have to hope that at some point God’s plan will match up with my need and the relief that is needed will reach this outpost.  I have to believe that God will send such reinforcement as is required to maintain this keep, this redoubt, this bastion.  Anything less is unthinkable…
     The key thing that I am left with is to accept that God's rule is sovreign regardless of my circumstance.  It is vital to understand that even if God doesn't come to my aid, his plan is still perfect.  It is critical to grasp, that the God I believe in doesn't have to do anything to prove that he exists, that he is holy, that he is omnipotent, that he is omniscent, that he is omnipresent.
     It is hard to praise God in view of these facts.  It is hard to put words to them, to make them real in my life.  It is hard to continue the struggle moving forward in view of them.  It is however the task appointed to me right now.  It is the work that has been assigned to me by my God, my savior, and my creator.
     I know I won't know this side of heaven the why of this period of my life.  This frustrates my analytical brain to be sure.  God however doesn't owe me an answer right now.  My only response to render faithful and sincere obediance in accordance with that will as it has come to be in my life right now.  I have to on bended knee thank my God for all the blessings that this situation has brought into existance in my life.
     It is tough to be sure, and the words sometimes choke in my throat as I speak them, but it is my duty to speak them nonetheless.  It is my charge to serve God in spite of circumstance.  It is my responsibility to focus in on what is in front of me without whining as to the essential nature of that which is there.
 


Comments

Bruce
05/05/2010 4:47pm

Damn, Todd! I could have written these words myself. Every person I talk with about their Christian faith says basically the same thing: I believe because I feel it. This is extremely disheartening to me, one who is not wired to feel first but who tries to come to faith with a more rational approach. I've all but ceased church attendance and am reluctant to seek other congregations because I don't want to be disappointed again. I acknowledge that we are created beings living in a created universe; that's about as far as I can take it. Thanks for your words.

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